The Shitting Donkey

Mary was getting fed up with the wondering life, and she made sure that Jack knew all about her feelings. By the time things had passed from the odd gentle hint to daily comments, Jack was getting fed up too, so when they came to a run-down farm-house by the side of the road, Jack was quick to suggest that maybe this would be a good place to settle for a while. Mary, delighted, started to explore, while Jack went off to find out who owned it.

By asking about in a nearby village he discovered that the farm belonged to the local lord of the manor, so Jack went to the manor, knocked on the door, and was eventually able to persuade the lord of the manor to let them move in. The rent to be paid was set at 5 in gold per year, to be paid on New Year's day.

Jack and Mary worked hard all through the rest of the year - they found an old Donkey in the barn, and also a bag of seed. They nursed the donkey back to health, planted crops and even managed to sell a little of their surplus vegetables. Slowly the farm began to come to life again, and they both agreed that they had been right to take a break from the wandering life.

Despite all their hard work, though, they had still only managed to get three gold pieces by the end of the year. Jack was getting seriously worried, and as New Year's day got closer he spent hours pondering what to do. Finally, on New Year's eve, he said to Mary "What are we going to do ? The rent's due tomorrow, and we're still two gold pieces short".

Mary thought briefly, then told Jack what to do ... first of all he had to feed their hard won-gold to the donkey then .......

Bright and early on New Year's morning, the Lord of the Manor came chapping at the door. Mary greeted him with a curtsy, ushered him to the best seat by the fire, and shouted for Jack, 'Rent day, Jack - go and fetch the Donkey, would you?'

Jack duly brought the Donkey in with some ceremony.... 'Sorry about this, your Lordship ... we meant to do this last night, but we'll have your money for you in a jiffy. I don't mean to be impertinent, but you might like to stand back a bit, Sir.'

Jack took a stout stick from the behind the door, and brought it down with a resounding thwack ! on the donkey's behind.

The donkey did what donkeys do, and Jack rooted about in the steaming, fragrant pile until he'd unearthed three gold coins. Cleaning them carefully, he handed them to the astonished Lord of the Manor "That's three, Sir - sorry, they're still rather warm - soon get the other two for you..."

'Never mind that', cried the Lord of Manor, 'where did you get that incredible animal ?'

Jack looked un-comfortable. 'Well, Sir, I don't mean to be rude, but this animal has been in my family for many years, and I'm afraid I can't really tell you where he came from ...'

'If you give me that donkey, I'll let you off the rent for this year ...aye and next year too', said the Lord.

'That's right generous, Sir, 'said Jack, 'but if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to discuss it with the missus ... I'm sure you can understand.'

The Lord, who was gifted with a wife of decidedly strong views, agreed, and Jack and Mary stepped into the bed-room. Raised voices could be heard for a minute or two, then they came back, Jack looking pleased, Mary rather less than overjoyed.

'Well, Sir,' said Jack, 'We've decided to take you up on your most generous offer. I would suggest, though, that you leave it for a day or two before you try for anymore gold yourself ... it's the winter see, she's not had much to eat lately, and it takes her a bit longer to come up with the goods.'

Overjoyed, the Landlord took the donkey back to his home, leading it right into the main hall. He was far too excited to wait for a day or two, and called for his wife.

'What is that ...... beast ... doing on our best carpet???', his wife asked as she came into the room.

'We're going to be rich, my dear', her husband replied, 'dresses from Paris for you now', and he picked up his shooting stick and whacked the Donkey. The donkey duly obliged, all over the axminster, and the Lord knelt down and rummaged furiously ....

'Have you gone out of your mind??', screamed his wife, 'Have you any idea how much it's going to cost to get this carpet cleaned, not to mention the smell???'

'Never mind the smell, we're rich!', said the Landlord, whacking the donkey again.

Eventually his wife gave up, and simply ordered the servants to put their master to bed, wrapped up in the carpet. Words were exchanged the following day, and by lunch-time it was the talk of the village. The Lord of the manor wasn't seen about in public for three weeks, and even then you could tell where he was, if you happened to be up-wind, from at least half a mile away.

The next two years passed, and Jack and Mary thrived at the farm. They brought some cows, a few chickens, and did very well selling their cheese, eggs and vegetables at the market. Somehow, though, they never managed to save up very much ..... you know how it is .... and as the New Year grew closer Jack took to sloping about the place with a long face.

'You look like a sheep with a secret sorrow,' Mary said to him one day, 'what's the matter?'

'It'll soon be rent day again, and we've still only got three gold pieces. We'll have to come up with something soon - he's not going to be so easy to trick this time.' Jack replied.

'Just go and catch two hares, and leave the rest to me'. Said Mary.

Jack went off into the meadow and soon returned with two hares. 'Right', said Mary 'His Lordship'll be here soon. Give me one of the hares, and you go and hide somewhere outside with the other. This is the plan ...'

Jack did as he was told, and no sooner had he left then there was a hammering at the door. Mary opened it, and the Lord of the Manor strode in.

'Right,' said the Lord,'I'll admit you tricked good and proper last time - I can take a joke as we'll as the next man - but let's have no more foolishness this time.'

Mary curtsied and said, 'Of course not, your honour. If you'll just take a seat I'll fetch Jack back from the far field - I always think it's best to leave these matters to you men, don't you ?'

'Quite right', agreed the Lord of the Manor. Mary fetched the hare, whispered in it's ear, opened the door and shoed it out. 'He'll be along directly, your Lordship' she said.

Hardly were the words out of her mouth, when the door opened and Jack came in, carrying *the same* hare. 'I got your message, dear, what is it ?' he said to Mary.

'Pay the man his rent, Jack' said Mary.

'Wait a minute', said the Lord, ' You don't mean to tell me that the hare carried a message for you ?'.

'Of course,' said Jack, 'surprised, don't you have messenger hares ?'

'No ... I've never seen anything like it' said the Lord, amazed.

'I thought they were quite common', said Jack. 'I suppose I could teach you how to train them, if you like sir. We find them right handy, I must admit'.

'How long does it take to train one ?', asked the Lord

'Weeelllll, for them as has the knack it should only take a couple of years', said Jack.

'Tell you what, 'said the Lord, 'how would a little proposition interest you ? I'm a busy man, and I could really do with one of these marvellous creatures right now. How would it be if you were to sell me that trained hare of yours, right now ?'

Jack wouldn't hear of it at first, pointing out how much effort and time he had invested in the hare, but eventually he reluctantly agreed to give the Lord the Hare in exchange for three years rent free. The Lord hurried home in triumph with his prize.

No-one ever found out what his wife had to say about the matter, but people noticed that the Lord had some very spectacular bruises for the next couple of weeks, and twitched whenever anyone offered him jugged hare.

Three years passed, and soon it was time for the rent collection again. The Lord of the Manor was given some very specific instructions form his wife, with special reference to live-stock of *any* kind.

Mary had already told Jack what to do, and he'd filled a bladder with pig's blood, which Mary was just hanging under her blouse when there was a sharp rap at the door. Jack opened it, and the Lord marched in, refused a seat and demanded the rent in no un-certain terms.

Jack turned to Mary 'Where's the money for the Lord ?' he asked. 'What money - I gave it to you to look after', retorted Mary. 'You never did', yelled Jack. Mary yelled back at him, and pretty soon they were going at it hammer and tongs. At the height of the storm, Jack snatched a wicked looking carving knife off the table and plunged it into Mary's heart. She collapsed in a pool of blood.

The Lord of the Manor was horrified 'It's only money, man', he stammered, 'you didn't have to kill her, did you ?'

'Oh, I admit I lost my temper a bit,' said Jack, calmly wiping the blood of the knife with a corner of his shirt. 'Still, no harm done'.

'No harm done', shouted the Lord', You've killed her stone dead, you vicious brute'

'Oh ... that', said Jack,'we do that all the time ... she killed me last week ... you know how it is between a man and a women, I'm sure, Sir', and he went over to the fireplace, and took down a forked stick with several chicken feathers tied to one end. 'Soon put his right, then we'll settle up - sorry you had to see this sir,' he said. Then he went over to Mary, waved the stick over her in a complicated pattern and chanted 'Hooralara, Hooralara, HooralaraHey'.

Mary opened her eyes, yawned, and got up. The Lord's jaw dropped so far it almost hit the floor.'Oh Jack, I've told you not to do that when we've got visitors, it's so rude. And look at my blouse, it's ruined'.

'Give me that stick', shouted the Lord of the Manor, 'that'll teach the old witch a lesson she'll never forget'.

'Which old witch would that be, sir ?' asked Mary.

'Hrmph ... yes, well, what I meant was, would you consider selling that amazing artifact, by any chance ?'

It took over an hour of hard bargaining, but the Lord eventually beat Jack down and hurried off home, carrying the stick in front of him like the Holy Grail, having agreed that Jack and Mary could have the farm rent-free for the rest of their lives.

His wife was waiting for him in the hall, foot tapping the floor. 'Well,', she demanded,'Do I get the new dress you promised me, or did those yokels manage to make a fool of you again ?'

'Oh shut up, you old harridan', yelled the Lord, 'I'm fed up to the back teeth with you and your nagging' and he snatched up a poker from beside the fire and gave his wife a right ding round the ear - she fell to the ground like a pole- axed Ox, and the Lord took great pleasure in standing over her for a long, long time, before he fetched out the stick.

It came out at the trail that the butler had seen his master waving a stick over his wife and muttering something in a hoarse and desperate voice, the following morning. The Judge sentenced the Lord to life imprisonment, adding that he was lucky to escape the gallows, and that only the fact that he was clearly insane had saved him.

The Lord was taken away the next day, and as the prison cart pulled round the corner, he peered through the bars to see Jack and Mary, arm in arm at the door of their farmhouse. They waved to him and the last thing the Lord heard as the cart took him away for ever was Jack's merry voice

'Hooralara, Hooralara, HooralaraHey' Happy New Year, Sir !